Firey Sex and Great Revenge

After I graduated guys came out of the wood work at me. 

“I liked you so much in high school, I never had the courage to talk to you.” 

“You’re so gorgeous let me take you out on a date.” 

Stupid shit like that. 

I was too into Houston to care about any of them though. Houston had this egotistical confidence that was disgusting and attractive. Dominant personality and greedy. Once he put his hands on me I felt drugged. 

The first time was when I was a freshman. He put his hand down my pants in the hallway. Right in front of everyone. But no one saw because of how we were positioned, because of the pillar in front of us. It was quick and fast and to prove a point. (We had been playfully debating) That he simply could and that he made me wet without doing anything. 

He wasn’t wildly attractive. He wasn’t super muscular. He was very cute though and a decent body. He was funny. Sarcastic. Self depreciating but not in a bad way or in a way that makes you uncomfortable. 

I always acted as though I couldn’t care less weather he was interested or not but deep down I cared. I cared a lot. 

The night I graduated I went to a party at his house. Everyone was in the garage. Soft core porn on the tv in the back ground. Beers. Weed. He was two years older than me. All his friends were older too. One of the guys at the party, Colton, was drunk and grabbed my boob. Houston, almost broke his hand. 

When I left about 30 minutes later Houston walked me to my car and kissed my forehead and apologized for Coltons behavior. After that we were almost inseparable for the rest of the month. I snuck out of my house to go see him all the time and we kissed and played with each other but didn’t fuck. 

One night in particular though he had to see me. He drove to me and picked me up and I gave him *road head* all the way to his house. We always hung out in the garage. Their was a couch and chairs and a tv and a plush rug. I was sitting on his lap while e played a card game with his friends, Alex, Darius and Oscar. I was spaced out from smoking and in my own world enjoying being in Houstons presence when the guys got up and left. 

Houston and I started making out and then he ripped my shirt. Like. Tore it in half and picked me up and was fucking me. It happened so fast and so unexpectedly. I was hooked. His mouth was greedy and he wanted the air from my lungs. Our sex was firey and passionate and rough. His hand in my hair was a control but not pain. He curled his hand around my throat lovingly and would bring his body close to mine slowing the rhythm. 

In the middle of this the garage door began to open. I remember being on top and Alex and Darius standing with the garage half open gawking at our naked bodies. It wasn’t until I started laughing like an idiot that they chuckled and closed the garage door again. It truly didn’t bother me. (I sometimes wonder if it was the weed or the subspace I was in from giving my self so wholly to someone.) 

He was amazing as far as sex went. After June, after we had had sex several times he became distant and mean and cruel. He said mean things to me that would make me cry and verbally asualt me around his friends. Calling me slurs and laughing. So I broke up with him. And made him cry. Plus I started dating one of his friends, Oliver. 

*Road head: when a person performs oral sex for another person who is operating a motor vehicle.  (if you didn’t/don’t know what this is I suggest looking at urban dictionary for further explanation.) 

Slut It Up and Girl on Girl Crime

“Sometimes I wish I were body confident so I could go to akon or comicon and slut it up” 

I nearly died after a laughing fit. Simon is a good friend of mine. He’s pretty into anime. When talking about Cosplay that was what he had to say on the matter. When we dove into the subject he said he didn’t understand why girls were allowed to dress so slutty and promiscuous and if he did it it would be frowned upon. 

I told him he had every right to. If he wanted to be a female character he totally could. Or if he wanted to be a shirtless dude he could do that as well. It’s all in the matter of taking the criticisim. But I understand where he’s coming from. It’s intimidating dressing up or looking “slutty.” I reminded Simon that a lot of comics are drawn by men/for men to read. (My own personal opinion.). That the girls with tiny waists and big breasts and tight clothing appealed to men reading. Therefor it gives a girl an excuse to dress up and instead of being called a slut or a whore, people are asking to take pictures with her and calling her by a super hero name and not a derogatory slur. 

I’m an avid comic book fan and I love super heros. I’m cosplaying as Ms.Marvel back before she was clad in a full body unitard and super chic short hair. 

I’m talking black unitard with the yellow lightening bolt, thigh-high black boots, black gloves, red sash and a wicked black eye mask. 

If I can’t finish my costume in time it will be used for Halloween and every other excuse I can find to wear it. 

I love Carol Danvers and all the bullshit she’s been through. Plus she was raped and I feel that on a deep level. She was in the military and huge play in shield, she was in the air force and God she has such a bad ass background. I love her evolution. Not just as a character but in asthetic as well. He costume changes and the women who played their part as Ms. Marvel now known as Capitan Marvel and she’s getting her own movie. (Allegedly.) the latest Ms.Marvel is Kamala Khan, jersey, Muslim teenager and inhuman. That my friends is some intense evolution of the story line. I haven’t gotten around to reading it, (I’ve been wrapped up in spider-verse) but I think it’s kick ass! Plus the representation is awesome. 

Ms. Marvel is just a great strong woman and a great role model. I grew up admiring girl power in Sailor moon, Wonder Woman and her amazing fighting, cat woman, bat girl, super girl, poison ivy, Harley Quinn, Storm, Rouge, Kitty Pride and spider woman. 

I didn’t look to celebrities or singers, and famous actress’s. I looked to my mom and my family, to comics and the cartoons based off the comics. Of course the occasional historical woman figures. 

I just love super heros and I am so totally stoked to go to comicon and have a good time. 

With that being said, I see so much negativity and “girl on girl” crime or “hate.” (I prefer crime because I love that word. It makes me think comic books.) 

Especially when it comes to cosplay and Halloween and dressing up. I hear and see posts or comments about how “slutty” a girl looks. Or that her hair isn’t the right color or her skin isn’t the right color or WHATEVER. It’s just so awful. Plus girls compare themselves to other girls and say bad things about themselves in there head and that’s just as bad. 

I say things mentally to myself that I would never say to any of my friends. So why say those things to myself? We deserve a break. I know this goes for men or guys as well. We are only human and we all have a positive and a negative to our mind. I guess it just depends which side you want to feed and give more energy to. 

All in all I believe it’s important to support one another weather we are cosplaying, creating a YouTube make up channel, trying a different look with our wardrobe, playing a new sport or wearing our hair different… No matter what a girl is deciding to do with herself (or person) they make those choices MOSTLY for themselves.

“Be Kind; Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” — said by a probably dead guy

(Maybe Ian Mclaren or John Watson? I dunno) 

A Woman’s Touch and Lots of Loss in One Year

So Padme. 

Padme was super gorgeous. Long dark hair down to her waist, bright hazel eyes, tan skin, body better than a Victoria secrets model and a wicked smile. I met her at an establishment much like hooters. 

God, I was 14 going on 15 and she was 21. We were “friends” our friendship lasted a short 7 months. It was during the time I hung out with the Fletcher twins. She did coke and smoked weed and drank and she was “cool” the coolest girl I had ever been around. When I first saw Padme I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be her or be on top of her and that posed a problematic issue within my inner self.

Am I gay? Am I Bi-sexual? Am I a pan sexual? What is my sexual identity and is that such a bad thing if I am? I’ve been with a girl before but it didn’t turn me on or really interest me. Padme though, she made my panties wet just by winking at me. 

First time I went to her apartment I told my parents I was staying the night at her house and she’d drive me back the next day. They liked Padme. They thought she was sweet. Well I went to her apartment and she drank a little I drank even less. We watched a scary movie and talked about men and feminism and then after my 2nd beer she asked me if I wanted to kiss her. 

Being the honest person I am I told her yes. I remember her sliding herself over next to me on her white couch. It may as well have been a cloud the way she practically floated. Her hair smelled like coconut and her skin was tinged with that tanning lotion that smells flowery. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my neck. She flipped my long blonde hair off the back of my neck and kissed me there. It set off something down my spine and into my stomach and through my vagina. That was enough confirmation from my earlier question. 

We made out and she fingered me there on her couch with the horror movie credits playing in the background. She pulled me up off her couch and I followed her into her bedroom.  

We quickly became inseparable and even though she was high or drunk most of the time I didn’t care. Maybe it was the fact that she was so beautiful and she was interested in me that drive me wild or maybe it’s how she made me feel sexually. I was in love with her. Fiercely. 

I had my friend Zeus drive me to her place one night after we hadn’t talked in maybe 3 days or more and no one answered. The lady across the hall however came out to walk her dog and informed me that Padme had moved. 

Later I confirmed the allegation on Facebook. She had posted about how texas had ruined her life and she needed to rid the toxic people and that she would never be moving back. “Sorry if this comes as a shock.” I remember that’s how that update ended

I was devestated. No goodbye. No closure. 

Now. 2 years later towards the end of my senior year, an abusive ex boyfriend trying to commit suicide and my other ex coming around she sent me a Facebook message apologizing. 

At first I hated it. I hated the letter. I hated her. I wanted to respond and tell her how she ruined my life and made me question everything about myself and what I had done wrong…. 

But after reading it out loud to one of my friends about a year later it sank in what she was saying and I was actually happy for her. 

While in Texas She had gotten into “modeling” aka the porn industry. She got into drugs and drinking. She had to get out and that meant moving back to the west coast. She called herself a “coward” for not telling me but she said I “was the one good thing Texas brought me and all I did was ruin you.” 

At the time of th letter she had fallen in love and was artificially insemenated and was pregnant with a baby girl. He girl friend was a gorgeous woman with short hair and petite. She was doing better and furthering her career in English and wanting to be a teacher like she had originally gone to school for. 

(At times I think of her and wonder what she’s doing. I’m sure smiling and playing with her daughter. )

When I got the letter I didn’t tell Greg But it drove a wedge inbetween us and I was distant to him. We didn’t really resolve things until prom came around. Even then things were rocky because that’s when Greg told me he was joing the military. The marines.

After prom we broke up and things were Rocky. I went into a deep depression and clung to my eating disorder and Felicia and Farrah. I also had class with Jeremy. We stayed hanging out a lot. I smoked weed with him and we would make out and skip class. I also spent time with Felicia and hung out with her and her boyfriend who wanted to be a rave DJ. I went to the confirmation retreat through my church again this time as a “leader.” Meaning I was in charge of a group. 

Greg was there too, he wrote me a letter telling me how much he loved me. Telling me he wished we were still together and that I was the only woman he would ever love. It was very romantic and emotional and it made me cry. It did not sway me though. 

When camp was over and we went back to the church late mass was getting out. I remember walking into the back building where PIO was held. 

Everyone was crying and that’s when I found out Kathleen had died. She was at her friends house and they had shot up heroin Kathleen however did not wake up the next morning. 

Suffering through that, the next month in April my mothers dad, my papa, died of a heart attack. Last time I had seen him was over Christmas. My senior year had turned out to be an abusive emotional and death infused year. I went through the motions at school but that was about it. 

Jeremey and I ended whatever it was that we had together. He told me “you smother me,” And I left his house and cried the whole way home. 

That “relationship” should have never happened with the emotional turmoil I was going through. I just wanted someone who was going to be permanent. Everyone and everything in this world is temporary. I just hadn’t learned that yet. 

I Learn Lessons The Hard Way

Before the end of my junior year is when I met Patrick.  Patrick and I started dating after Zoe and I broke up. Patrick was a year older and graduated that year. We hit it off pretty well. He went out of his way to hang out wth me and spend time with me.

Patrick was an important chapter in my life but unfortunately I didn’t learn the MOST important lesson with him. I had to repeat the atrocity to really learn. 

Patrick was unlike any of the guys I dated. Skinny, scrawny, very intelligent and abusive. The abusive part didn’t start till after we had been together for a while. I’m not entirely sure how into detail I can allow myself on the subject. I love to believe I’m a stronger woman because of my experiences but I still to this day can not look at the couch in my mothers den without wanting to shed a few tears for my naive stupid 17 year old self. 

He was charming, went WAY out of his way to see me and hang out with me. Introduced me to a ton of his friends and I became apart of their circle. They respected Patrick. We smoked a lot together and fooled around in his pick up before school most mornings. He had my family fooled and loving him. 

The first time it happened (right after school was out for the summer before I turned 17) we were at a book store not far from Patrick and his friends neighborhood. I was in a skirt and in the book store Patrick tried to finger me in between one of the isles. I wasn’t really okay with that seeing as I didn’t want to get caught and although I’m quite the sex addict I don’t find public displays of THAT nature okay. Plus it was not discussed he just started to do it and I had to push him off and he got. Mad. Very. Very. Mad. 

We left the book store and were walking back to Luke’s house when I asked Patrick why he was mad and he turned around and punched me in my stomach. It knocked me off my feet and onto the sidewalk. He grabbed my face with his hand and sneered at me to never reject him to never disrespect him. “Next time will be worse.” 

Shocked and scared and very fucking confused I walked silently back and called my dad and asked him to come pick me up. He said he would. Patrick cried outside of lukes house while I waited for my dad to come get me. 

He cried and told me how sorry he was and to forgive him and he lost his temper and he’d never do that to me again. He begged me not to tell anyone. So I didn’t. That was awfully stupid of me.

Patrick told me about the college was accepted to and that he was going out of state. We had sex for the first time and he gave me his favorite tshirt. 

(I should mention after my trip to Santa Monica I started starving myself again and throwing up sometimes. I was spiraling out of control. So now this on top of that. My boyfriend leaving did not help anything.) 

So Patrick left and my senior year began. I hung out with Felicia more than ever. I skipped school. We starved together. We were pretty inseparable. I still hung out with Farrah and she helped me through a lot of my boy drama. 

My friend from the eating disorder clinic, October. She committed suicide in August. It devestated me. (I’ll write about that soon.) When I called and tried to talk to Patrick he was on his way to the beach and couldn’t talk to me. Shortly after in September my friend Preben was hit by a pick up while on his skateboard. (That’s another post for another day.) He didn’t last long in life support and died. Patrick was of no help and no where to be found. Never texted or called and when he did he was distracted. I needed someone and I felt alone. 

My friends did what they could but nothing helped. Neither did church. I had to go for a confirmation retreat over a weekend in October. You’re suppose to feel different and enlightened or something. All I felt was confused. Plus both Greg and Frank were there which did not help. Greg and I became closer friends though. I also thanked Kathleen for telling on me even though at the time before that I hated her for it. 

When she asked me if I was relapsing I lied and told her no. I didn’t want my secret told this time around.

I went back to school and talked to Ralph in my English class a lot. He smoked with me and I tried cocain with him. We became fast friends but even though I was attracted to him I never tried anything and neither did he. 

Patrick came home over break and even though I was mad I still wanted to be with him. His mom took us out to eat and when we went back to their house and we were alone in Patrick’s room he pinned me down and fucked me. I was terrified and excited by the experience. Although I never came, I was more frightened than anything else. 

When Christmas came around Patrick came back home but had been fighting with his family and had no where to stay so my family welcomed him into our home. He stayed with his friends a few nights but two nights before Christmas Patrick and I were in the den on the couch with my dad in the other room. We had a movie on. He had made me upset earlier that day.  (I don’t even remember what made me upset.) he went to kiss me and I turned my fave. Bad idea. His hand slapped over my mouth and he forced me face down into the couch. Before I knew it he was already on top of me.

Now. I still to this day don’t know why I didn’t make noise. Why I didn’t call for help. Why I lay there not moving through the pain. My dad was in the next room. He could’ve easily stopped it. But.. I didn’t. 

He apologized the next morning. I forgave him. He went to Christmas at my grandmas house and then he went to see his mom who then took him to the air port. It was awkward the time I was with him and after he went home he was distant and mean to me over text and phone. We fought constantly. 

I finally broke up with him at the end of January. He tried to commit suicide while I was at school one day and I had to call his mom from the councilors office. I cried so hard feeling responsible when I shouldn’t have felt a lick of remorse for him. It was just another manipulative move on his part. I was a wreck. It was a mess. I couldn’t seem to catch a break. Emotionally unstable I began cutting myself on top of starving. 

Then. The “knight in shining armor” swooped back into my life, you guessed it. Greg. He got me a Valentine’s present even though we weren’t dating and he talked to me on the phone at all hours of the night when id wake up from nightmares or couldn’t sleep. 

He was my number one supporter as far as men in my life. Felicia was on and off there for me and Farrah helped me as much as I allowed her to. My other friends felt like more of aquaintences. Before prom Padme came back into my life and I realize I left her out of my earlier posts but I’m kind of flashing through my high school years because my memory of it all isn’t the best and I’m not exactly proud of it all either.

Padme, she came back into my life via a letter through Facebook and it messed me up emotionally…. again. 

Drag Races

Im super sorry there was not a post for yesterday. 

I went to the drag races with my dad, mom, brother, sister, her boyfriend and our uncle. It was a blast. 

I will post more soon! 

Also wow I have more followers, hope I can continue to entertain you all.